The epic adventures of Lusty Lucius and Sexy Snape
by xHanachanx
Summary: Lusty Lucius and Sexy Snape epic adventures, occasionally Lucius is a disney princess.
1. Luciusella

**Luciusella?**

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Once upon a time there was a little boy, I mean girl of course, that was not so little. H-h-her name was Luciusella.

He…Excuse me. I mean her, father was a nice man in his forties who was single too ;). One evil day her father fell in love with a **VERY **evil woman named Umbridge.

Umbridge was one **fuuuuuuuuuuuuuugly **woman. Umbridge had two daughters who were so ugly that no one thought they were human. Their names were, Gregoryola and Vincentina.

One day her father got an illness called chickentopia. Chickentopia is a very bad illness where you start laying fresh gourmet egg s after you lay about 10 eggs you die. Than one fateful day of laying 9 eggs and had one to go, it was time for her father to go.

'L-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-Luciusella…Y-y-y-you l-lo-lo-' Her father gasped threw his words while trying to get out the 10th egg.

'You look like a man.' Was her fathers last words to everyone and Luciusella.

'Oh father, your words are so touching!' Luciusella sobbed while tears trickled on to her dead father and his eggs.

While Luciusella's father was alive, Umbridge and her two ugly stepsisters were somewhat nice to her. But the minute he died Umbridge grinned.

'Get up you useless girl and get to work.' Umbridge cackled and threw a bucket of water and a toothbrush at her.

10 years of crying and working Luciusella managed to live. She was now 20 years old.

'Fancy pants has given us an invitation.' Screeched Vincentina screeched while playing with her hair.

'Really? What is the invitation for?' Gregoryola asked with her high pitch voice. Luciusella at the time was brushing Gregoryola's knotty brown hair.

'Yes, tell us what is it for.' Umbridge hem hemmed and asked with a smile revealing her ugly yellow teeth.

'For Prince Snape's decision to marry.' Sighed Gregoryola turning pink.

'Oh! We must go! The crooked nosed tiger will fall in love with you beautiful young girls! Oh! You girls will be beautiful.' Umbridge smiled.

'You will be cleaning the house to the last speck of dust because you have no dress. If I see even a speck of dust there will be hell. You will also be sure Vincentina and Gregoryola will be superb at the ball.' Umbridge ordered.

'Yes ma'am.' Luciusella replied quietly.

'I can't hear you.' Umbridge yelled.

'Yes ma'am!' Luciusella replied louder while her stepsisters giggled.

Luciusella stomped into her room crying, how she wanted to go to the ball.

'Why can't I go! I just want to go to the damn ball. Instead I get to clean this house!' Luciusella thought out loud in her room furiously. Meanwhile her 5 mouse friends were listening.

'Poooooor Luciuselly.' Hermione the mouse squeaked with pity.

'I feel sorry for my self! I'm stuck with you imbeciles. I mean why can't _I _be the sexy character.' Draco snapped.

'Because your sexy enough already.' Harry yawned.

'My Potter I never knew you had such great taste.' Draco winked.

'You damn rat you are no mouse you're a fat ugly rat!' Fudge squeaked at Peter.

'No! I have been found! Count to 100 this time! I'm _sure _I can find a better place to hide!' Peter squealed with horror.

'Okay…1…2…3…4…5…6…' Fudge said and closed his eyes and started to count again.

'Lets make a dress for Luciuselly!' Hermione said and started making a dress, Harry and Draco helped.

After the dress was done there was occasional spots that said: 'Draco is a sexy stud' which was obviously done by Draco himself.

The dress was a beautiful pink…but a very ugly dress it was.

They left the ugly dress on Luciusella's bed.

'My! Look at this ugly dress! I'll be able to go after all!' Luciusella twirled with joy and squished a hiding Peter without noticing.

'There goes a fat brave soul that was oh so stupid.' Sniffed Fudge and skipped off.

'Ma'am I have a suitable dress for the ball!' She smiled happily.

'So I see.' Glared Umbridge.

Luciusella skipped off but was greeted by her two evil step sisters.

'My, my what an ugly dress.' Gregoryola snickered.

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g2g will continue this chap later there will be many more adventures! 


	2. The continue of Luciusella

The continue of Luciusella 

'You know, it might be just ugly enough to grab Prince Snape's attention' Vincentina said wide eyed to her sister.

'You know…You're right…' Gregoryola said while pulling out the hairs of her chin. Than she grinned, she started ripping out Luciusella's sad pitiful dress.

'This is rape!' Luciusella screamed.

All the sudden, a big fat round orange came out of Luciusella's top.

'…So that's how she has big tits…' Vincentina said while pulling another piece of fabric.

Just than Umbridge walked into the room.

'HEM HEM. My, my girls calm down! Look what you've done to Luciusella's only piece of decent clothes. Naughty naughty naughty!…er…Hem hem?' Umbridge said sternly while smirking at them.

'Luciusella, I guess that leaves you to clean the house. Bye bye!' Umbridge sniffled and left with Vincentina and Gregoryola.

Luciusella sat on the floor and cried and cried. She ran out to the lawn and sat at the water fountain. All the sudden, a little ugly thing popped out.

'I am you're fairy god m-m-father…I am Lord fairy Voldemort! Just call me Al. I see you want to go to the ball. Well gather round your animals we are gonna get jiggy Luciusella!' Voldemort, I mean Al said as Luciusella twitched.

'I have a fai-I-I-ry god father?' Luciusella twitched slightly.

'Yes, I am Al, so go get your animals so I can get you there god dammit!…Bring a pumpkin too!'

'Two questions…Who are they?' Luciusella pointed to a girl sobbing at another water fountain nearby.

'FUCK! How'd Cinderella get there?…uh…AVADA KADAVRA!' Al shrieked and pointed his wand at Cinderella who blew up into little shreds.

'…Now…as you were saying?' Al said putting on a cheery grin while fluttering his eyelashes.

'Never mind, I'll just go get the animals and a pumpkin.' Luciusella squeaked and got the mice.

Luciusella came back in 5minutes with the mice.

'I shall make magic!' Al screamed.

'—Starts singing—Alakazam and Mexican food, I'm fugly and I have to go poo! I shoved the original lady up my arse after giving her a screw or two. Lets make you a sexy dress, that's red and fight for you. You'll be hotter than potter and that's all that matters, Bibbdybabedidoo!(sp?)…--Opera sings Bibbdybabedidoo in a loud voice, Al stops singing and turns around—SHUT THE FUCK UP I'M SINGING! AVADA KADVRA!…Ehem…I'm sorry about that that's the end of my song. Leave before mid night. It's past your bedtime too! Well I hope you have a "fun" night…Don't be a fool, wrap your tool!' Al said and disappeared.

Luciusella was now in a short red sexy dress, which was up to her knees. Luciusella noticed that Al shaved her ugly fuzzy legs. The mice were dogs and the pumpkin was a sled. Luciusella shrugged and jumped on and whipped them all.

'MUSH!' she yelled and the dogs scampered away into the darkness with her long silky hair flowing right behind her. On the way she started humming 'I'm too sexy for my body'

Finally she got there, and heard music coming from the beautiful castle. The music was 'summer of 69'. As she walked in she noticed there were many people making out in the corner. Than Luciusella walked into the main room looked around. This was the prettiest place she had ever seen.

Mean while Prince Snape sat there looking and yawned. All this making out and shit was sure gonna be masturbation material for a week. Than walked in Luciusella. She had to be the most ugliest thing he had ever seen. He stood up and ran towards her.

Luciusella was admiring the room until one black figure came towards her and asked her for a dance. She was surprised for a moment, who was this one ugly crooked nose ugly man? She gazed into his warm black eyes which just stood out in the sexy pale skin of his. They went out on the porch and talked, they got to know each other. They stared into each other's eyes, getting closer and closer and closer and BONG BONG! The midnight chime rang. Jeez it really does know how to ruin a romantic time like this, wait a minute midnight? Shit! Luciusella ran off while Prince Snape called after her. Luciusella tripped on the way smushing her ugly face right on to the marble staircase and rolled down revealing the pink fuzzy thong she was wearing.

'Hey, please wait! What's your name! please wa- WOAAAAH!' Prince Snape chased after her than saw that very frightful sight. Luciusella turned pink and ran off crying.

After five minutes on riding on her sled Luciusella realized she forgot her kinky black leather shoe.

'Oh no!' she groaned oh well at least she could keep this dress, but than she realized she was naked.

'Oh shit.' She than realized her dogs were mice.

She ran home with the mice right behind her.

Hermione noticed Fudge had a hard on, Harry and Draco looked rather disturbed and she, was just bloody hell barfing.

"That's great seeing your one and only father with a great view of no panties on and in a skirt running around like a little daisy." Draco gagged while Harry just patted him on the back.

Luciusella got home and cried and got some clothing on and cleaned the house.

Next Day 

'Have you heard? Prince Snape and his ugly crew are coming to look for his one and only bride, she lost a shoe on the way.' Vincentina screeched with joy while Luciusella was miserably braiding her hair.

'Guess what?' Gregoryola squeaked.

'What?' Vincentina looked at her with curiosity.

'I lost my shoe yesterday!' Gregoryola eyes sparkled with pure joy.

'Liar' Luciusella thought out loud.

Vincentina stared at her with horror while Gregoryola hissed.

'Shut your mouth, I am going to have you licking my shoes when I'm **princess**!' Gregoryola sneered. Luciusella sighed and continued braiding Vincentina's hair.

'Girls are you ready! The Prince has arrived! **You**! We don't want anyone ugly in this house especially when we are going to be in royalty. Follow me!' Umbridge screamed and pointed at Luciusella.

'Hope you enjoy kissing royal butt in the near future!' Vincentina laughed while Luciusella was dragged away.

Luciusella was shoved into her room and locked.

Umbridge went down stairs to greet the prince.

'Hello you sexy beast!' She greeted him.

'Shut up you sad attempt of a women. I'm sure she's here this is the last house men.'  
He sneered.  
Severus wanted to get out of here fast, just find his maiden and get the hell out of here. He couldn't stand be swooned by everyone. Although he didn't mind the one with big enormous jugs going up and down hitting the chick in the face when they came running towards him. That just amused him.

He walked into the room only to be greeted by two ugly girls around his age.

'Not you two again. Okay boys we're leaving.' Severus rolled his eyes while the two girls stared at him with beyond of disbelief.

'B-But I lost my shoe!' Gregoryola squealed.

'I remember you, trying to interrupt my moment with the one I am looking for. Also I don't think that fat body of yours wouldn't fit into this shoe.' Prince Severus motioned to the shoe on the pillow. Prince Severus was walking away with his cloak swishing in the air until he stopped. He turned around using his heel and looked behind himself.

'I hear screaming. Men look around…Carefully.'

Umbridge gulped that damn girl just had to scream with agony.

'N-n-n-n-nothings wrong my dear prince.' Umbridge said looking terrified.

'Did I ask you to TALK to me?' He glared while going up the stairs towards Luciusella's room.

She was getting real annoying so he just rolled his eyes and pushed her down the stairs only to let her be like the fat woman she is and bounce off the stairs.

Severus saw the door; there was a lock. He rolled his eyes and kicked the door open.

There Luciusella was naked, she just stared wide-eyed at him.

'Erm…' they just stood there before Prince Severus left the room.

Luciusella sighed and left her room to reveal the secret. She was no fancy princess with the best robes in the world. She was just one ugly slave, a servant and a real ugly freak.

'Why don't you wear different clothes?' Prince Severus asked confused.

'These are the only clothes I have.' She sighed.

'Don't they give you any clothes?' He asked.

'No.'

'Oh…Well lets get married I'll buy lotsa clothes!'

'Okay!'

Right when they were about to kiss Lucius woke up.

'What the-?' Lucius scratched his head. That ha got to be the trippiest dream he has ever had. It's a good idea not to have weed before sleeping. It was eight thirty, blah who cares. Lucius looked around to only find his bestfriend Severus Snape sleeping over. He looked so good he wanted to kiss him, hey he's sleeping…why not. He won't notice but just incase let's check. Lucius poked his bestfriend.

Snape groaned and fell right back to sleep, okay so the coast is clear. Lucius got closer and closer and gave him a french kiss. Hey Severus' mouth just happened to be open to it was perfect. All the sudden Severus' eyes shot wide open with a look of horror.

Some witnesses say that around eight thirty two in the morning they saw Severus Snape run out in only pajamas screaming out of the Malfoy mansion. Those just revealed the horrors of the Malfoy Mansion. Even Severus Snape was scared out of his pants, and literally out of his pants.

THE END

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There will be more! So keep reading people and remember, review! 


	3. Chapter 3: Not the Father

**THE EPIC ADVENTURES OF LUSTY LUCIUS AND SEXY SNAPE**

**I don't own squat.**

**Authors note:**

"**I'll be back**"  
- Arnold Scdsjhkaflheuwlnager

AAAAaaaaaAaaaaannnnDDDDdddd Here I am. After what…a six year hiatus? Jeez, what a douche move. So I wrote Luciusella back when I was 14 and now I'm a nubile 20 turning 21 year old. Anyways, I am going to make a fail attempt at being funny/weird/pervy/whatever you want me to be ;) Anyways, this first one is a short one...but I still hope people enjoy! So, here's to Hasta La Vista Hiatus!

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"Minions!" Voldemorts menacing voice echoed through the Malfoy manor.

"I welcome you all, I thank you for coming to today's emergency meeting." he silkily said as he stood up at the front of the table.

"Lately," he began. "We have been losing market share, and I feel that our public persona has lapsed over the past few years. So after I spoke to Nagini, we decided that it was time for a change of image."

"Change of image my lord?"

"Yes Antonin, we have not gained as much followers as we used to. So I figure we lure kids in a different way."

"How my lord?"

"Well because I am bald, I have learned that many kids will like me if I wear a black turtle neck and levi blue jeans."

"But sir" cried Bellatrix who looked absolutely horrified. "That's muggle wear!"

"Yes but I have offset this factor by washing them in the blood of a family of blind people."

"How did you find a muggle family of blood people my lord?"

"Well, shouldn't it be obvious Bellatrix? I'm quite disappointed if you cannot figure it out yourself. First you must find a muggle family and then blind them. By the way, you're fired."

"W-Wha" stuttered Bellatrix. "Please Forgive me my lord!"

"It's okay Bella," whispered Narcissa. "He fired Dolohov last week and he's still here, he doesn't mean it, he's just stressed because we haven't killed Potter yet. You know? The whole life or death prophecy can get to a guy."

"Anyways, to continue our meeting...I have decided that our logo has become dated lately and have thus created our new logo, which will be this white pear of doom."

"But my lord!" Protested Dolohov. "I am not comfortable with only white pear organization."

"Hmm thank you for pointing that out Dolohov." Voldemort said sincerely.

"If I may make a suggestion my lord," began Dolohov. "We will also have a slightly less used black logo because you can't see a white pear in the sunlight."

"Hmmm...good suggestion Dolohov. Lucius, remember to put a star next to Dolohovs name on the employee score chart in the break room because it is important to recognize employee performance. That is also why you have a red angry face next to yours."

"Forgive me, my lord." Lucius said with a quick bow.

"Ah yes, and I would also like to introduce our new members of the group Schlieffenheimer and Lars. I brought them over from Brazil, and after reviewing their qualifications, they seem to do very well in a official capacity in a German police force in the 1940's. So I'll be putting them in our security consulting department. Now remember, there will be a potluck dinner to welcome our new members."

"Don't forget, to write down on this list, what you're bringing. I don't want repeat of last time where five people brought magical fruit salads."

"That's why you, Lucius, aren't allowed to plan things any more. You always screw things up! And I, end up having to put a red angry face next to your name in the break room. And then I get drunk, and fuck your wife."

"P.s You are not the father."

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A/N: Crapola ending but it will get better I promise, I'm still trying to get used to this XD


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